Well, considering the thread and website I found the link to this on… Rules 1 and 2 have been applied to this… 😉
I would like to say that it is a rather good story. I personally didn’t read the lyrics or hear the song that inspired you, so I’m not sure how the original song goes. But from what it sounds like: stranger at a party ends up being a lover, who has something on this mind but just can’t seem to express it while the narrator has the same problem.
I really liked how you used your descriptiveness: “like the tree growing, he rolls” and “my heart fills like piano notes on marble floors.” These are very beautiful and the image it gives the reader is rather lovely.
I would suggest perhaps changing up the word “ocean” and playing around with other avenues of wording, only because it is rather repetitive. But again, I didn’t see the original lyrics, so this might be used to bring the reader back to the inspiration, which would be the song.
If you were to turn it in for a college assignment, however, I would just get rid of the extra commas after “and” simply because they don’t really need to be there. Also make sure that all your paragraphs and parts have a uniform look to them. But if this is just for fun or for an artistic expression piece, you did a really good job executing it.
ArtistApart.com 
Well, considering the thread and website I found the link to this on… Rules 1 and 2 have been applied to this… 😉
I would like to say that it is a rather good story. I personally didn’t read the lyrics or hear the song that inspired you, so I’m not sure how the original song goes. But from what it sounds like: stranger at a party ends up being a lover, who has something on this mind but just can’t seem to express it while the narrator has the same problem.
I really liked how you used your descriptiveness: “like the tree growing, he rolls” and “my heart fills like piano notes on marble floors.” These are very beautiful and the image it gives the reader is rather lovely.
I would suggest perhaps changing up the word “ocean” and playing around with other avenues of wording, only because it is rather repetitive. But again, I didn’t see the original lyrics, so this might be used to bring the reader back to the inspiration, which would be the song.
If you were to turn it in for a college assignment, however, I would just get rid of the extra commas after “and” simply because they don’t really need to be there. Also make sure that all your paragraphs and parts have a uniform look to them. But if this is just for fun or for an artistic expression piece, you did a really good job executing it.