In response to ‘the men of match.com’

I stumbled upon an article on wordpress entitled “Meet the men of Match.com”.  Well written, obviously thought out and produced by a talented writer, explaining her difficulties and observations having perused a singles website while nearing her 30th birthday.  While I can not, nor would I, defend men as a gender; specifically those on a singles website, I can offer some brief observations about the opposition.

I am currently an account holder at OKCupid and Plenty of Fish.  I’m not proud of it, and I realize that they may not be up to the prestige of Match.com (I can only assume, as they don’t have a commercial I’ve yet to see); but they are prolific in my area, which tends to be limited on the mainstream sites.  Delaware simply does not have many members on eHarmony, Match, et al.

I feel I should also point out; I am no longer seriously looking, so this is not driven by bitter anguish, the singles apps on my phone have turned into a source of humor, rather than actually trying to find a connection  It’s not that I can’t find anyone, quite the opposite, I have found many beautiful people in my time that I still talk to, both in the “real” world, and a few from dating sites;  Moreover, I have simply given up looking because put into perspective: I don’t need someone else to complete me, and I’m perfectly happy and comfortable alone.  There’s more to that, but I digress.  My experiences with most dating sites have ultimately not helped dissuade that decision.

For example, when loading up the Plenty of Fish homepage to research this response, I am confronted with 16 of “My Matches”.  Five of them are pictures of either kittens, cats or dogs.  At this point I should note that I am on a dating site that is ostensibly, for adults.

The proliferation of puppy dogs, kittens and the starting characteristics of “crazy cat ladies” plentiful enough to populate the eastern seaboard is enough to scare most of the fabled “good guys” to the hills.  In looking for a mate, cat litter and lint rollers before work are not a good sell point, and nothing sells a quiet night at home quite like cleaning up furballs hacked into the kitchen hallway halfway through dinner.

“But my cat doesn’t get furballs”

Yes it does.  They all do.  Except maybe those hairless ones, I’ve never actually met one, but it probably finds fur too.

“I’m an independent woman, I don’t need no man” (but I’m on a singles site)

That’s like riding a bicycle into a car lot, browsing, then yelling at the salesperson.

Quickly: just because you may be single does NOT make you an independent woman.  It means you’re single; you’re independent because you have to be or you’d die; if it were a choice you made on your own you wouldn’t be on a dating site desperately seeking someone.  Sorry.

Let us mention weight for a moment.  I realize that not everyone has time, conditioning or resolve for a five-day exercise regiment.  I also realize that everyone has an ideal “type”, and some may pursue those with a bit more “fluff” than others.  I also have a pretty strong opinion that if I love someone, I’d like them to be survive for a while, and the type of self mutilation-by-BMI that is so common in the current female population (also, possibly an East Coast thing?) is not conducive to long lives.  Beyond that, there is a stunning, I repeat: STUNNING amount of self-confidence displayed in the dozen or more self portraits these wildebeests so happily post, flaunting their wares, while looking for their “other half”, but obviously showing they already possess their 200% in body mass alone.

From my experience, and as usual, your mileage may vary; there are 3 common types of women I have seen on dating sites:

These are my children, they come first

They already have kids, and the kids come first.  Yeah, they should.  It goes with the territory, and you don’t get points for doing what you’re supposed to be doing (taking care of your children.)  That’s fine, I would fully expect, should there be a house fire- you’ll wake them up first (unless you need something heavy lifted, or a spider killed first: in which case I’ll probably be the first on your list).  Telling an anonymous with whom you may be trying to start a relationship about it on a dating website before they’ve even messaged you is simply aggressive.  It’s just rude.  I don’t want anything to do with your kids, especially before I’m sure I can stand you, let alone your children.  I’d imagine, in general; telling me they come first means you don’t get a lot of messages anyway, save the few Neanderthals that made the connection that children means you’ve put out at LEAST that many times…

Also, unless their father is dead or incarcerated; having children means that your possible suitor needs to understand there may come a time when an uncomfortable meeting may occur.  It’s not out of the realm of possibility to say that should “Contestant #1” be around, or introduced to your children, there may be some type of drama in the future, perhaps its in your best interest to be a bit more understanding, and approach new people in a romantic environment with a bit more dignity.

While we’re on the subject, greater than 50% of your pictures should not be of your children.  This is a dating site, if the man is that interested in what your children look like- that’s creepy.  A simple “I have children” will suffice. Thank you.

Pictures of just the pets

Really? No, honestly, WHY does anyone think that’s a solid decision?  Aren’t you here to tell about yourself, show what you’re looking for, your interests etc?  No one cares what your dog looks like, unless you need someone to fuck the dog…

I writs lyke diz and uz kant stop me cuz

These people are in their 30’s.  They vote.  They’re raising the next generation of single people.

Finally, in regards to profile pictures, please: have a friend help you select them.  If it’s a mirror shot of your butt, your profile should have zero comments about how you’re not looking for sex.  That ad should be on craigslist, not a dating site.  It should not be from 6 miles out, and it certainly shouldn’t be a closeup of your eye.  I would assume the picture you’ve posted, especially the profile shot, is the best of the bunch; it should clearly show what you look like, or what someone could expect on a first date.  Some look like they were taken at the base of Mount Doom, have horrible lighting, or ran through Instagram filters a dozen or more times.  That doesn’t help anyone get a clear impression of what you may look like.  What YOU may look like, if the picture is of seven people, for the love of God the caption should point out which one is you…

In closing, while I understand online dating is frustrating, and trust me, I’m sure men are frauds online and in person, it’s a two-way street.  Ultimately, the decision to be single is not a forbidden one, and the advancement of ones biological clock is not a reason to put yourself in a position to choose from a flock of suitors that have had the time to present themselves in the best light their imaginations could create while sitting in front of a keyboard.  They suggested zip-lining because it sounds fun, dammit, most of them have probably never done it!  Find the ones that can speak clearly, present themselves as well as possible, and give them a chance.