Top Tweets of 2012

Every year- I kick off the New Year by recapping my favorite tweets of me from the previous.  To start the vitriol off right- here’s my favorite tweets of 2012! (Sometimes it’s acceptable to be playing to only yourself).
Funny, Sad, Sadly Funny: Most weren’t posted for shock value! Enjoy!

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12/10 In a shock to no one, today I learned the author of 50 Shades of Grey is a giant disgusting beast no one would want to fuck anyway

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12/3 #cutters-you really want to make the physical pain match the emotional? Start taking out chunks of meat-those little slits are weak

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11/28 There really are people that love the holidays-giftgiving, fruit cakes, Christmas trees&Christmas music. Theyre called “Fucking Twats”

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11/26 #learned, there is such a thing as #bbw #erotic novels. Also took the time to figure out buying 30 of them =the same $$ as a Treadmill

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11/22 “Having kids is like being pecked to death by a duck” -sister

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11/18 Born in the 80’s- When did you realize you were out of touch with music? For me, it was when I saw a “Skrillex-Discography” torrent

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11/9 during the #facial anyone inexorably stuck on staring the girls fillings while her mouth is open like the #colgate fliptop head guy?

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11/6 Today I voted . . . . . . . . . . . To cut that damn tree down out back, and not take part in that stupid racist puppetshow

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11/4 #SilenceOfTheLambs Directors Cut: in which we learn Multiple Miggs was a great #Monistat sales rep before his unfortunate incarceration

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10/30 The News is interviewing the most disgusting white trash in Elkton- which is noteworthy, it’s like finding the wettest dolphin.

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10/25 “I love to enjoy life” … Oh fuck you.

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10/17 Is there anything more satisfying, as a man, than knowing: if shit gets real we can use pee as a long range weapon #RonPaul

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10/16 The Cure music playing over 70’s bestiality footage is way creepier than you’d think it would be. #RonPaul

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10/14 Because I take Cialis recreationally, I now have an aggressive erection at the grocery store. Please RT. #RonPaul

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10/12 Whenever I see a pregnant woman I’m amazed at the quality of thing men will fuck

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10/5 Abortion Whisks with straw siphons on the handles are likely inappropriate and won’t do well in the open market.

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10/4 How long before porno involves cutting each other open?

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10/3 Is fucking a fat bitch in the ass like banging a slut in the hooch? Lots of miles on that road, yknow?

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10/1 The sad truth about women, no matter how beautiful they are, how magic they seem- they all smell funny when you cut them in half.

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10/1 Hey fatso- if you’re not going to work out, at least die so your pallbearers can.

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9/27 I treat my porno like Pokemon -“I choose you, double anal whore!” *click*

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9/20 Viagra Commercial”Ask if your heart is healthy enough for sex” If its not, your skulls crackly enough for a bullet-(double) tap out now

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9/18 I’m not crazy, 90% of women in commercials are abusive, self absorbed cunt’s right?

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9/9 Did they pick the name “American Pickers” cause “2 Homos- 1 Van” didn’t test well with the Midwest?

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8/22 Nice tits, dude. Now squish em together, I’ma fuck ’em to show dominance

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8/22 possibly a forced update. Did it do anything or did it just look at you? Were you sober? Where was the cat?

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8/21 I get it youre a tard wrangler, awesome, do you HAVE to bring 14 into the grocery store at once?!They just eat gum and pennies anyway

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8/17 Porn advert proclaiming “creamy little pussy” ……ew. Not the condition I’d like to receive it.

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8/10 Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, Give me my shit, Whore.

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8/4 My favorite part is when I say “Sorry for your wait” And the other person doesn’t know I’m saying “sorry for your weight”

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8/1 I really enjoy the first 30-40 min after I wake up. It’s pretty much the only time I don’t feel nauseous

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7/31 “The way to a mans heart is through his stomach” Speaking as a man-I suggest trying the dick. Much quicker & no need to do dishes after

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7/20 Tighter gun laws could stopped Colorado shooting. Oh btw-shooting people in a theater? That’s illegal-all sorts of laws against that…

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7/20 Gunman kills 14 in Aurora CO movie theatre including a 1yo child. OUTRAGED! Who the FUCK has a 1yo in a midnight showing of Batman?!

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7/18 YOU’RE AN ADULT IN PUBLIC!!! THAT FUCKING SHOWER CAP LOOKS RIDICULOUS!!!

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6/24 Really proud of the little slug-bodied girl at the gym finally losing some weight! Do work sweety! (no, still no dick for you…)

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6/17 China launches first female astronaut into space bbc.in/NvRvJq -knowing China this was probably done by catapult

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6/1 Waste not, Want not-sadly for the planet my balls are clipped and I have money so fuck recycling.

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5/24 Maybe erectile dysfunction isn’t a medical condition, just maybe old women are fucking gross.

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5/23 When I see a man with long fingernails, it says to me “I don’t often finger-pop ladies with their consent”

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5/9 “I’m going to masturbate now…you don’t -have- to go, but it’s recommended”

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5/5 Cuddle means Fist, right? When they ask to cuddle it means they wanted to be fisted? I’m sure of it…

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4/18 Said to me today, honestly and without sarcasm- “Your sociopathy is so endearing”

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4/14 War-death-famine-AIDS-and Jonas Bros exist so I can wish them upon the piece of shit that buys coffee at a Wawa at 8am with $100 bill

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4/12 but do the eyes open? If I’m face fucking a muppet- Id like it to stare at me, with shame and confusion

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4/8 Mom:”You used to love Hawaiian Punch!” “Yeah, but then I had Gin, now Hawaiian punch doesn’t impress me much”

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4/7 “Hell hath no fury like a woman whose scorn you pay attention to”

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4/6: Kid blowing out candle : Family : first steps : dildo buried to the handle : grandparents : kids playing : bathroom mirror/thumb in ass

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4/2 How do rapists keep a hard on AND fight someone?

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3/31 A scrotum is by far the most complicated thing on this planet, and I’ve shaved a bunch of stuff.

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3/28 Some people use big words to sound smart-Some use them because they know the correct word to convey their point-regardless of size

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3/19: Blessed are the fat people: for they will only have sex in cold rooms at low altitude

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3/16: Turns out- Stupid does hurt, sadly it hurts the people faced with it, rather than those afflicted by it

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3/13 So amazing- women are stunning creatures of beauty, art, and magic……until they start moving around and talking

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3/9: There are atrocities happening in Africa?! Well, lets take care of that so it can return to the fair, peaceful, modern society we knew

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2/23: Soft core rape…

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2/21: if there are really ghosts… does that mean that deaths before 1950 still recognize segregation?

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2/21: I dont own a giant black dildo, but whenever my Mom comes to my house, Im positive Im going to forget to put away my giant black dildo

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2/21: When making any relationship decision- it should be made within 15 minutes after ejaculation

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2/17: “Oral Creampie” ? isn’t that just a cumshot? or a good girl thats getting some new jewelry? (tomato-tomatoe)

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2/16: Whenever I hear of a prison fire with a high fatality count I think “HOW HORRIBLE! Those poor people will have to build a new prison”

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2/11 [Re death of Whitney Houston]: What I can tell you about cocaine addiction: She died with a surprisingly dry vagina. G’night!

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2/2- “You’re from Delaware?! There’s a city there, right?” “…at least one, yes”

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1/3: I thought “womens humor” was their driving, problem solving, coordination & logic. That’s the part I think is funny.

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