Tag Archives: funny

Top Tweets of 2013

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12/19 Never. Once. Not a never have I have slowed my roll to consider “I wonder if the fellas on #DuckDynasty will approve…”

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12/19 Hate to break it to ya, but the #DuckDynasty boys are probably not fond of the blacks either.

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12/17 “I need help before I smash this phone” Why does ANYONE THINK thats OK? /walk into SPCA “I need help before I smash this puppy”

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12/14 For someone that has a team of #elves, #Santa sure spends a fuck lot of time in #malls

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12/10 Know what an awesome start would be to end #racism? If EVERY black comedy act wasnt “Black people be like…” “White people are so…”

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12/7 #NoNoPro laser hair removal for women, then they demonstrate it on a blonde. Nice demo- how’s it do taking the hair off cancer patients

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11/20 “May I sit here?” “Wherever you’re comfortable” “Well I haven’t found there yet, so I’ll settle on here”

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11/15 I’m not asking you to do the right thing, I’m asking you to feel bad when you do the wrong thing.

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11/8 Pretty sure “eggs” at #Hotel #breakfast is an honorary title.

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10/24 I’m not allowed to #ejaculate at my table in restaurants- but they allow #children.. Must be the age of the sperm

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10/26 @ farmers market buying 4 baskets of tomatoes. “Making sauce?” “No, going to a speech” “Huh?” /sigh

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10/25 #pornname game entries: “Mike Vick” ‘cos I be puttin bitches down “Weeble” ‘cos I’ll wobble but I won’t go down

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10/15 #Women that love 50’s #style is kinda like #Jews that drive #German cars… (Lotsa spousal abuse..)

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10/11 “I don’t know the traffic laws in FatCuntlevania, but here- Red light means stop. Don’t honk at me” #travel #traffic

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10/10 Can’t we just set #NewJersey on #fire? I’m relatively certain it’d #burn on its own without much help

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10/7 Ive the same opinion of blacks saying Nigga & special needs kids who act out: theyre retarded-its all they have-why take it away?

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10/4 @USPS:see carriers deliver mail today, it’s a reminder that we are open because we receive no tax $ Judging by speed youre paid hourly

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10/4 Can I burn down your house?

No

Just the 2nd floor?

No Garage?

No

Lets talk about what I can burn

No

YOURE NOT COMPROMISING!

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9/25 Sweety, its not that you’re #dumb per se-its that as far as #people go, youre a #puppy. Stop trying to “make it” in the #business world

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9/10 Anyone who says “all people are created equal” has never worked with the public

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9/9 #women– y’all do realize we can still tell if you’re fat when the picture is taken from above, right? Yes, even in low lighting..

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9/1 Gameshow idea:audio clips of Japanese #porn & #Japanese women watching #puppies being slaughtered-we have to figure out which is which

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8/15 Remember guys- when looking for a girlfriend, the “Freshmen 15” doesn’t necessarily stop at 9th grade. #what?

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8/3 When I say #VodkaTonic– I only say that because asking for vodka straight is more expensive. If I wanted ice I’d board the #titanic.

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8/3 I sincerely hope whomever came up with the @webuyanycar commercial/jingle dies of polio.

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7/26 New @RightGuardUS product gives 72 hours of protection… WHY IS ANYONE GOING THAT LONG BETWEEN CLEANINGS?!?

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7/25 Man arrested for plotting to kill @NancyGraceHLN people shouldnt kill people-but theyre going to anyway& I dont see why it cant be her

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7/16 Now that “Let me see you Wop” is so popular on vine, I can finally drop that song I’ve been holding onto for so long- “get out here ni

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7/13 So nice of #angelacorey to interrupt her normally busy schedule of spraying fairies outside of Davie Bowies #Labyrinth

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7/13 In 2013 a #black guy can make a song that screams Wop 147 times? Listen for @taylorswift13 new hit “Niggardly doesnt mean that, Sambo”

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7/12 #whitepeople it’s REALLY hard to defend you when you tuck t-shirts into #basketball shorts…

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7/1 That’s the type of guy that’ll #fingerpop you with his pinky #finger so you don’t notice the #Smurf #dick at the main event.

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6/22 I don’t know if Paula Deen was racist before she was fired, but she probably is now

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6/17 What kind of person I am: I saw a billboard that said #StopChildAbuse. In my head I heard the #MortalKombat “FINISH HIM!!!”

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6/13 Hashtagging #thickisbeautiful doesn’t convince anyone that it actually is.

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5/30 yeah, but some bitches respect themselves WAY too much.

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5/17 #feminists would get taken way more seriously if they weren’t so #cunty

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5/9 I understand why #rain freaks out people from #NewJersey – it’s very similar to a shower, and thereby unfamiliar

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5/9 Does #NewJersey actually have a “Helen Keller Memorial Highway” or is it just “every road” to the residents?

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5/9 Dear #NewJersey, why does your tap water smell like burning electrical wires? Please respond, time is a factor.

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5/3 Just as long as they’re willing to degrade themselves for my entertainment, I don’t really care what their motivations are.

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4/26 Read a #fark article discussion that included the term “Poonfuzz Pattern”. Now my new favorite term. #PoonfuzzPattern

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4/16 If you strapped a #crayola to my flaccid penis, I could produce a more recognizable, #composite sketch than what the news just showed

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4/9 Dude is 350lb 6′ Girl is maybe 5’5″ 120-hes giving her workout tips…I could fuck his back if hed push his shoulder titties together

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3/27 Hey #cutters – know what hurts worse than #cutting? Going to the #gym 2x a day-see if that matches that internal #pain of yours. #bitch

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3/22 Jackson #Pollock : That’s not art, that’s a menstrual sneeze over linoleum.

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3/14 Based on what I can only assume is a lying nazi-sympathizer of a treadmill computer: 12 miles burns the calories of 1 cool ranch taco.

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3/10 If you google “how many calories in a bottle of wine” You’re probably missing the point of counting calories.

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3/9 Judging by the gut pouches on the majority of women of #Delaware I can only assume we’re decedents of ancient marsupials, not apes.

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3/2 I have coined the phrase “Sea-Mexican”. Feel free to use for all your Cuban, Puerto Rican, Dominican needs!

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2/24 New #porn idea- Religious friendly porn: its all missionary, #amateurs, ALWAYS ends in #creampie – DAMMIT I need a backer!!

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2/17 Dresses were prolly invented for bitches to air out their cooze, right?

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2/14 It’s a recession, ladies. Appreciate the fact he clipped his nails first. #Valentines

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2/14 Creative People develop content to distract you from being creative too. Its our way of eliminating the competition before it starts.

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2/11 Don’t worry, duct tape is stronger than she is.

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2/10 I dont necessarily want Denis Leary dead-but could he just not be on TV, movies, albums, print media, or advertising of any kind?

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1/16 I don’t blame #NancyGrace for being an inhuman ghoul, after Frodo chucked the ring in Mount Doom she couldnt stay a Ring Wraith forever

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1/13 “LIfe is an endless collection of people hurting you, followed by someone else outdoing them”

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1/6 How fortuitous to live in a time where disease risks are obesity, addiction, antipathy, & deviancy; instead of cholera, malaria, plague

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1/5 “Wooder” (rather than water) isnt a cute local accent that adds flair-Its a speech impediment-stop languishing in inability

Top Tweets of 2012

Every year- I kick off the New Year by recapping my favorite tweets of me from the previous.  To start the vitriol off right- here’s my favorite tweets of 2012! (Sometimes it’s acceptable to be playing to only yourself).
Funny, Sad, Sadly Funny: Most weren’t posted for shock value! Enjoy!

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12/10 In a shock to no one, today I learned the author of 50 Shades of Grey is a giant disgusting beast no one would want to fuck anyway

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12/3 #cutters-you really want to make the physical pain match the emotional? Start taking out chunks of meat-those little slits are weak

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11/28 There really are people that love the holidays-giftgiving, fruit cakes, Christmas trees&Christmas music. Theyre called “Fucking Twats”

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11/26 #learned, there is such a thing as #bbw #erotic novels. Also took the time to figure out buying 30 of them =the same $$ as a Treadmill

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11/22 “Having kids is like being pecked to death by a duck” -sister

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11/18 Born in the 80’s- When did you realize you were out of touch with music? For me, it was when I saw a “Skrillex-Discography” torrent

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11/9 during the #facial anyone inexorably stuck on staring the girls fillings while her mouth is open like the #colgate fliptop head guy?

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11/6 Today I voted . . . . . . . . . . . To cut that damn tree down out back, and not take part in that stupid racist puppetshow

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11/4 #SilenceOfTheLambs Directors Cut: in which we learn Multiple Miggs was a great #Monistat sales rep before his unfortunate incarceration

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10/30 The News is interviewing the most disgusting white trash in Elkton- which is noteworthy, it’s like finding the wettest dolphin.

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10/25 “I love to enjoy life” … Oh fuck you.

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10/17 Is there anything more satisfying, as a man, than knowing: if shit gets real we can use pee as a long range weapon #RonPaul

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10/16 The Cure music playing over 70’s bestiality footage is way creepier than you’d think it would be. #RonPaul

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10/14 Because I take Cialis recreationally, I now have an aggressive erection at the grocery store. Please RT. #RonPaul

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10/12 Whenever I see a pregnant woman I’m amazed at the quality of thing men will fuck

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10/5 Abortion Whisks with straw siphons on the handles are likely inappropriate and won’t do well in the open market.

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10/4 How long before porno involves cutting each other open?

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10/3 Is fucking a fat bitch in the ass like banging a slut in the hooch? Lots of miles on that road, yknow?

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10/1 The sad truth about women, no matter how beautiful they are, how magic they seem- they all smell funny when you cut them in half.

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10/1 Hey fatso- if you’re not going to work out, at least die so your pallbearers can.

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9/27 I treat my porno like Pokemon -“I choose you, double anal whore!” *click*

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9/20 Viagra Commercial”Ask if your heart is healthy enough for sex” If its not, your skulls crackly enough for a bullet-(double) tap out now

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9/18 I’m not crazy, 90% of women in commercials are abusive, self absorbed cunt’s right?

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9/9 Did they pick the name “American Pickers” cause “2 Homos- 1 Van” didn’t test well with the Midwest?

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8/22 Nice tits, dude. Now squish em together, I’ma fuck ’em to show dominance

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8/22 possibly a forced update. Did it do anything or did it just look at you? Were you sober? Where was the cat?

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8/21 I get it youre a tard wrangler, awesome, do you HAVE to bring 14 into the grocery store at once?!They just eat gum and pennies anyway

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8/17 Porn advert proclaiming “creamy little pussy” ……ew. Not the condition I’d like to receive it.

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8/10 Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, Give me my shit, Whore.

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8/4 My favorite part is when I say “Sorry for your wait” And the other person doesn’t know I’m saying “sorry for your weight”

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8/1 I really enjoy the first 30-40 min after I wake up. It’s pretty much the only time I don’t feel nauseous

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7/31 “The way to a mans heart is through his stomach” Speaking as a man-I suggest trying the dick. Much quicker & no need to do dishes after

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7/20 Tighter gun laws could stopped Colorado shooting. Oh btw-shooting people in a theater? That’s illegal-all sorts of laws against that…

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7/20 Gunman kills 14 in Aurora CO movie theatre including a 1yo child. OUTRAGED! Who the FUCK has a 1yo in a midnight showing of Batman?!

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7/18 YOU’RE AN ADULT IN PUBLIC!!! THAT FUCKING SHOWER CAP LOOKS RIDICULOUS!!!

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6/24 Really proud of the little slug-bodied girl at the gym finally losing some weight! Do work sweety! (no, still no dick for you…)

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6/17 China launches first female astronaut into space bbc.in/NvRvJq -knowing China this was probably done by catapult

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6/1 Waste not, Want not-sadly for the planet my balls are clipped and I have money so fuck recycling.

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5/24 Maybe erectile dysfunction isn’t a medical condition, just maybe old women are fucking gross.

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5/23 When I see a man with long fingernails, it says to me “I don’t often finger-pop ladies with their consent”

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5/9 “I’m going to masturbate now…you don’t -have- to go, but it’s recommended”

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5/5 Cuddle means Fist, right? When they ask to cuddle it means they wanted to be fisted? I’m sure of it…

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4/18 Said to me today, honestly and without sarcasm- “Your sociopathy is so endearing”

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4/14 War-death-famine-AIDS-and Jonas Bros exist so I can wish them upon the piece of shit that buys coffee at a Wawa at 8am with $100 bill

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4/12 but do the eyes open? If I’m face fucking a muppet- Id like it to stare at me, with shame and confusion

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4/8 Mom:”You used to love Hawaiian Punch!” “Yeah, but then I had Gin, now Hawaiian punch doesn’t impress me much”

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4/7 “Hell hath no fury like a woman whose scorn you pay attention to”

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4/6: Kid blowing out candle : Family : first steps : dildo buried to the handle : grandparents : kids playing : bathroom mirror/thumb in ass

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4/2 How do rapists keep a hard on AND fight someone?

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3/31 A scrotum is by far the most complicated thing on this planet, and I’ve shaved a bunch of stuff.

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3/28 Some people use big words to sound smart-Some use them because they know the correct word to convey their point-regardless of size

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3/19: Blessed are the fat people: for they will only have sex in cold rooms at low altitude

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3/16: Turns out- Stupid does hurt, sadly it hurts the people faced with it, rather than those afflicted by it

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3/13 So amazing- women are stunning creatures of beauty, art, and magic……until they start moving around and talking

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3/9: There are atrocities happening in Africa?! Well, lets take care of that so it can return to the fair, peaceful, modern society we knew

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2/23: Soft core rape…

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2/21: if there are really ghosts… does that mean that deaths before 1950 still recognize segregation?

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2/21: I dont own a giant black dildo, but whenever my Mom comes to my house, Im positive Im going to forget to put away my giant black dildo

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2/21: When making any relationship decision- it should be made within 15 minutes after ejaculation

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2/17: “Oral Creampie” ? isn’t that just a cumshot? or a good girl thats getting some new jewelry? (tomato-tomatoe)

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2/16: Whenever I hear of a prison fire with a high fatality count I think “HOW HORRIBLE! Those poor people will have to build a new prison”

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2/11 [Re death of Whitney Houston]: What I can tell you about cocaine addiction: She died with a surprisingly dry vagina. G’night!

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2/2- “You’re from Delaware?! There’s a city there, right?” “…at least one, yes”

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1/3: I thought “womens humor” was their driving, problem solving, coordination & logic. That’s the part I think is funny.