Top Tweets of 2013

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12/19 Never. Once. Not a never have I have slowed my roll to consider “I wonder if the fellas on #DuckDynasty will approve…”

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12/19 Hate to break it to ya, but the #DuckDynasty boys are probably not fond of the blacks either.

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12/17 “I need help before I smash this phone” Why does ANYONE THINK thats OK? /walk into SPCA “I need help before I smash this puppy”

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12/14 For someone that has a team of #elves, #Santa sure spends a fuck lot of time in #malls

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12/10 Know what an awesome start would be to end #racism? If EVERY black comedy act wasnt “Black people be like…” “White people are so…”

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12/7 #NoNoPro laser hair removal for women, then they demonstrate it on a blonde. Nice demo- how’s it do taking the hair off cancer patients

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11/20 “May I sit here?” “Wherever you’re comfortable” “Well I haven’t found there yet, so I’ll settle on here”

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11/15 I’m not asking you to do the right thing, I’m asking you to feel bad when you do the wrong thing.

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11/8 Pretty sure “eggs” at #Hotel #breakfast is an honorary title.

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10/24 I’m not allowed to #ejaculate at my table in restaurants- but they allow #children.. Must be the age of the sperm

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10/26 @ farmers market buying 4 baskets of tomatoes. “Making sauce?” “No, going to a speech” “Huh?” /sigh

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10/25 #pornname game entries: “Mike Vick” ‘cos I be puttin bitches down “Weeble” ‘cos I’ll wobble but I won’t go down

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10/15 #Women that love 50’s #style is kinda like #Jews that drive #German cars… (Lotsa spousal abuse..)

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10/11 “I don’t know the traffic laws in FatCuntlevania, but here- Red light means stop. Don’t honk at me” #travel #traffic

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10/10 Can’t we just set #NewJersey on #fire? I’m relatively certain it’d #burn on its own without much help

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10/7 Ive the same opinion of blacks saying Nigga & special needs kids who act out: theyre retarded-its all they have-why take it away?

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10/4 @USPS:see carriers deliver mail today, it’s a reminder that we are open because we receive no tax $ Judging by speed youre paid hourly

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10/4 Can I burn down your house?

No

Just the 2nd floor?

No Garage?

No

Lets talk about what I can burn

No

YOURE NOT COMPROMISING!

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9/25 Sweety, its not that you’re #dumb per se-its that as far as #people go, youre a #puppy. Stop trying to “make it” in the #business world

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9/10 Anyone who says “all people are created equal” has never worked with the public

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9/9 #women– y’all do realize we can still tell if you’re fat when the picture is taken from above, right? Yes, even in low lighting..

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9/1 Gameshow idea:audio clips of Japanese #porn & #Japanese women watching #puppies being slaughtered-we have to figure out which is which

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8/15 Remember guys- when looking for a girlfriend, the “Freshmen 15” doesn’t necessarily stop at 9th grade. #what?

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8/3 When I say #VodkaTonic– I only say that because asking for vodka straight is more expensive. If I wanted ice I’d board the #titanic.

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8/3 I sincerely hope whomever came up with the @webuyanycar commercial/jingle dies of polio.

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7/26 New @RightGuardUS product gives 72 hours of protection… WHY IS ANYONE GOING THAT LONG BETWEEN CLEANINGS?!?

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7/25 Man arrested for plotting to kill @NancyGraceHLN people shouldnt kill people-but theyre going to anyway& I dont see why it cant be her

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7/16 Now that “Let me see you Wop” is so popular on vine, I can finally drop that song I’ve been holding onto for so long- “get out here ni

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7/13 So nice of #angelacorey to interrupt her normally busy schedule of spraying fairies outside of Davie Bowies #Labyrinth

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7/13 In 2013 a #black guy can make a song that screams Wop 147 times? Listen for @taylorswift13 new hit “Niggardly doesnt mean that, Sambo”

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7/12 #whitepeople it’s REALLY hard to defend you when you tuck t-shirts into #basketball shorts…

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7/1 That’s the type of guy that’ll #fingerpop you with his pinky #finger so you don’t notice the #Smurf #dick at the main event.

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6/22 I don’t know if Paula Deen was racist before she was fired, but she probably is now

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6/17 What kind of person I am: I saw a billboard that said #StopChildAbuse. In my head I heard the #MortalKombat “FINISH HIM!!!”

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6/13 Hashtagging #thickisbeautiful doesn’t convince anyone that it actually is.

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5/30 yeah, but some bitches respect themselves WAY too much.

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5/17 #feminists would get taken way more seriously if they weren’t so #cunty

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5/9 I understand why #rain freaks out people from #NewJersey – it’s very similar to a shower, and thereby unfamiliar

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5/9 Does #NewJersey actually have a “Helen Keller Memorial Highway” or is it just “every road” to the residents?

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5/9 Dear #NewJersey, why does your tap water smell like burning electrical wires? Please respond, time is a factor.

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5/3 Just as long as they’re willing to degrade themselves for my entertainment, I don’t really care what their motivations are.

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4/26 Read a #fark article discussion that included the term “Poonfuzz Pattern”. Now my new favorite term. #PoonfuzzPattern

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4/16 If you strapped a #crayola to my flaccid penis, I could produce a more recognizable, #composite sketch than what the news just showed

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4/9 Dude is 350lb 6′ Girl is maybe 5’5″ 120-hes giving her workout tips…I could fuck his back if hed push his shoulder titties together

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3/27 Hey #cutters – know what hurts worse than #cutting? Going to the #gym 2x a day-see if that matches that internal #pain of yours. #bitch

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3/22 Jackson #Pollock : That’s not art, that’s a menstrual sneeze over linoleum.

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3/14 Based on what I can only assume is a lying nazi-sympathizer of a treadmill computer: 12 miles burns the calories of 1 cool ranch taco.

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3/10 If you google “how many calories in a bottle of wine” You’re probably missing the point of counting calories.

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3/9 Judging by the gut pouches on the majority of women of #Delaware I can only assume we’re decedents of ancient marsupials, not apes.

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3/2 I have coined the phrase “Sea-Mexican”. Feel free to use for all your Cuban, Puerto Rican, Dominican needs!

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2/24 New #porn idea- Religious friendly porn: its all missionary, #amateurs, ALWAYS ends in #creampie – DAMMIT I need a backer!!

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2/17 Dresses were prolly invented for bitches to air out their cooze, right?

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2/14 It’s a recession, ladies. Appreciate the fact he clipped his nails first. #Valentines

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2/14 Creative People develop content to distract you from being creative too. Its our way of eliminating the competition before it starts.

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2/11 Don’t worry, duct tape is stronger than she is.

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2/10 I dont necessarily want Denis Leary dead-but could he just not be on TV, movies, albums, print media, or advertising of any kind?

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1/16 I don’t blame #NancyGrace for being an inhuman ghoul, after Frodo chucked the ring in Mount Doom she couldnt stay a Ring Wraith forever

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1/13 “LIfe is an endless collection of people hurting you, followed by someone else outdoing them”

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1/6 How fortuitous to live in a time where disease risks are obesity, addiction, antipathy, & deviancy; instead of cholera, malaria, plague

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1/5 “Wooder” (rather than water) isnt a cute local accent that adds flair-Its a speech impediment-stop languishing in inability

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