The stories we told

Last nephew’s dedication was yesterday. (I say last because for my generation- it’s not longer an option.)

Got the usual “When are you getting married!” questions..

“thanks.. I’ve had my fill of other people”.

The whole event was good for my mother.  My father having passed in December, my sisters and I are trying to convince her- after 43 years of changing her schedule for him, now she can do whatever she wants whenever she wants.  Its a hard learned habit to instill; every opportunity we have to get her together is a step in that direction, I think.  With Dad gone, its pushed Mom and I closer- we speak more, I see her more, its all easier as horrible as that may sound.

But the kinda neat part, my Aunt (Dad’s sister) and I got to talking.  She and I will be spending some time in Nevada.  In our talks we discussed social anxiety, and less than anxiety, just lack of motivation to have to be social.  Its something she and I always had in common.  Our conversation got to my father.  My parents never separated, and he was in my life as long as I remember; but I never really knew him.

I say that, not because we had nothing in common (we didn’t), or that we didn’t share the same interests (we seriously didn’t).  Even in later years as I was a young man and he wasn’t physically scary to me anymore, I just had nothing to say to him, and he had no desire to say it.  There was a lot that I wanted to say- but we were just never the same people, and by the time he died, we were decades in to accepting the fact that we wouldn’t have closure, let alone a relationship.

My aunt started telling me stories about when she was younger,  how horrible my grandfather was (not even sure how we got on the subject).  A horrible man like you read about.  I never had that a bad experience with my grandfather, I was 12 when he died; and really the only memories I have of him were his dogs, a constant smell of alcohol and his bristly 5 O’Clock shadow.  The last memory I have of him was his liver failure-thrashing in delirium and demanding a gun so he could kill himself.  They didn’t bring me back to the hospital for those visits after that.

One story was about her and my grandmother having to hide in the attic because my grandfather was going to shoot them.  I had mentioned that I didn’t feel like I ever really knew my father, and I didn’t have any good memories of my grandfather either- she had a few stories about the things that had made him shut down over time.  Not like that serves as any excuse, but she tracked it back quite a way through my father’s side of just really bad men.  She said she thinks thats why all the women in our family are so strong- they’ve been tempered that way.  My grandfather was an apex-saint.  I’m sure many people put their families matriarch on a pedestal, but this woman was at such another level I couldn’t put it to words.

But our conversation closed with her telling me she never saw any of my father in me, only my mother.  I don’t know if that was to make me feel better, but it did.  It legitimized a lot of what I hoped in general.  I always did like her the best 🙂

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Commercial Break

No, not more shameless plug of my Amazon link, or my online store

While poking around on AppleTV- I realized it comes preloaded with Crackle.

UnknownI remember Crackle from way back in 3G times (read about it… in story books!) when they had free streaming movies, before Netflix came to Android.  Well, I have since moved on to iPhone, and had forgotten about Crackle until it showed up on AppleTV.

I love Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee, and they even had some awesome options Netflix and Hulu didn’t have (Ghostbusters!).

Then, the other shoe proverbially dropped.

I was watching Ultraviolet.  I’m not proud of it, but.. hey, its a fun.. its got some interesting… I’m an adult, I don’t have to make any excuses! Its a silly anime feely shitty film, Ok?!  Literally- every 7 to 10 minutes in this dog shit film, a Discover card commercial would come on.  I get it, we need advertising cause I’m not paying for Crackle.  But… it would be 2 or 3 commercials, then back to the film.  TWO OF THE COMMERCIALS WERE ALWAYS DUPLICATES! Really guys?  there’s not a department that handles that?  Here’s the worst part- ostensibly, Crackle is playing to an audience of people watching TV on smart phones, or computers… know what else my computer does?  Torrents.

Know how long it takes to download a full film?  Less than the time between commercials.

The gatekeepers have left their gates.  The old ways are over, and we are not a nation of construction, or development anymore- we are a nation of consumers, and entertainment, and creativity-How many more years before entertainment finally realizes, the old business model is dead.  Please, embrace a way to be more creative with your approach to monetization.

For instance- I would gladly pay an extra 10-15% for the same produce I receive now without commercials.  OR give me an option of the commercials I see.  Believe me, History Channel, I don’t need to know about Humira, Vagisil, or Viagra.  But I am interested in electronics, entertainment, and travel…

Bottom line, the moment we decided it was Ok to pay for a product that gets the opportunity to advertise was the moment we lost all hope.  We allow too much.  The old ways are done- Arrrr…

 

2014 Benediction

Happy New Year

“What do I do now?”

The passing of a year does not have the impact it once did.  But all the everything from your last year is over and only able to remind us that it won’t be forever.  The here that you knew will never be where you go back to, and certainly isn’t where you left it.

So, what do you do now?  The same you did then.  Do the best and the worst and the every bit human of what you did yesterday.  If you can change it, you would into the best you could have gotten.  If you could not have changed any of it, then rest in the placidity that you never really had a choice.  Don’t regret any of it: analyze it, live it, use it and lift it from your shoulders.  Carry all of it, not as a burden, but as triumph over another year you’ve brought with you, kicking and screaming as it was born to this moment.

What you do now is what you always did, and do it knowing that trying to stop time is trying to stop an avalanche.  Do.  Now, and relax in the knowing that none of it will be forever.

Top Tweets of 2013

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12/19 Never. Once. Not a never have I have slowed my roll to consider “I wonder if the fellas on #DuckDynasty will approve…”

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12/19 Hate to break it to ya, but the #DuckDynasty boys are probably not fond of the blacks either.

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12/17 “I need help before I smash this phone” Why does ANYONE THINK thats OK? /walk into SPCA “I need help before I smash this puppy”

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12/14 For someone that has a team of #elves, #Santa sure spends a fuck lot of time in #malls

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12/10 Know what an awesome start would be to end #racism? If EVERY black comedy act wasnt “Black people be like…” “White people are so…”

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12/7 #NoNoPro laser hair removal for women, then they demonstrate it on a blonde. Nice demo- how’s it do taking the hair off cancer patients

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11/20 “May I sit here?” “Wherever you’re comfortable” “Well I haven’t found there yet, so I’ll settle on here”

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11/15 I’m not asking you to do the right thing, I’m asking you to feel bad when you do the wrong thing.

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11/8 Pretty sure “eggs” at #Hotel #breakfast is an honorary title.

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10/24 I’m not allowed to #ejaculate at my table in restaurants- but they allow #children.. Must be the age of the sperm

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10/26 @ farmers market buying 4 baskets of tomatoes. “Making sauce?” “No, going to a speech” “Huh?” /sigh

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10/25 #pornname game entries: “Mike Vick” ‘cos I be puttin bitches down “Weeble” ‘cos I’ll wobble but I won’t go down

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10/15 #Women that love 50’s #style is kinda like #Jews that drive #German cars… (Lotsa spousal abuse..)

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10/11 “I don’t know the traffic laws in FatCuntlevania, but here- Red light means stop. Don’t honk at me” #travel #traffic

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10/10 Can’t we just set #NewJersey on #fire? I’m relatively certain it’d #burn on its own without much help

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10/7 Ive the same opinion of blacks saying Nigga & special needs kids who act out: theyre retarded-its all they have-why take it away?

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10/4 @USPS:see carriers deliver mail today, it’s a reminder that we are open because we receive no tax $ Judging by speed youre paid hourly

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10/4 Can I burn down your house?

No

Just the 2nd floor?

No Garage?

No

Lets talk about what I can burn

No

YOURE NOT COMPROMISING!

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9/25 Sweety, its not that you’re #dumb per se-its that as far as #people go, youre a #puppy. Stop trying to “make it” in the #business world

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9/10 Anyone who says “all people are created equal” has never worked with the public

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9/9 #women– y’all do realize we can still tell if you’re fat when the picture is taken from above, right? Yes, even in low lighting..

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9/1 Gameshow idea:audio clips of Japanese #porn & #Japanese women watching #puppies being slaughtered-we have to figure out which is which

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8/15 Remember guys- when looking for a girlfriend, the “Freshmen 15” doesn’t necessarily stop at 9th grade. #what?

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8/3 When I say #VodkaTonic– I only say that because asking for vodka straight is more expensive. If I wanted ice I’d board the #titanic.

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8/3 I sincerely hope whomever came up with the @webuyanycar commercial/jingle dies of polio.

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7/26 New @RightGuardUS product gives 72 hours of protection… WHY IS ANYONE GOING THAT LONG BETWEEN CLEANINGS?!?

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7/25 Man arrested for plotting to kill @NancyGraceHLN people shouldnt kill people-but theyre going to anyway& I dont see why it cant be her

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7/16 Now that “Let me see you Wop” is so popular on vine, I can finally drop that song I’ve been holding onto for so long- “get out here ni

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7/13 So nice of #angelacorey to interrupt her normally busy schedule of spraying fairies outside of Davie Bowies #Labyrinth

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7/13 In 2013 a #black guy can make a song that screams Wop 147 times? Listen for @taylorswift13 new hit “Niggardly doesnt mean that, Sambo”

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7/12 #whitepeople it’s REALLY hard to defend you when you tuck t-shirts into #basketball shorts…

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7/1 That’s the type of guy that’ll #fingerpop you with his pinky #finger so you don’t notice the #Smurf #dick at the main event.

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6/22 I don’t know if Paula Deen was racist before she was fired, but she probably is now

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6/17 What kind of person I am: I saw a billboard that said #StopChildAbuse. In my head I heard the #MortalKombat “FINISH HIM!!!”

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6/13 Hashtagging #thickisbeautiful doesn’t convince anyone that it actually is.

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5/30 yeah, but some bitches respect themselves WAY too much.

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5/17 #feminists would get taken way more seriously if they weren’t so #cunty

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5/9 I understand why #rain freaks out people from #NewJersey – it’s very similar to a shower, and thereby unfamiliar

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5/9 Does #NewJersey actually have a “Helen Keller Memorial Highway” or is it just “every road” to the residents?

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5/9 Dear #NewJersey, why does your tap water smell like burning electrical wires? Please respond, time is a factor.

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5/3 Just as long as they’re willing to degrade themselves for my entertainment, I don’t really care what their motivations are.

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4/26 Read a #fark article discussion that included the term “Poonfuzz Pattern”. Now my new favorite term. #PoonfuzzPattern

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4/16 If you strapped a #crayola to my flaccid penis, I could produce a more recognizable, #composite sketch than what the news just showed

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4/9 Dude is 350lb 6′ Girl is maybe 5’5″ 120-hes giving her workout tips…I could fuck his back if hed push his shoulder titties together

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3/27 Hey #cutters – know what hurts worse than #cutting? Going to the #gym 2x a day-see if that matches that internal #pain of yours. #bitch

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3/22 Jackson #Pollock : That’s not art, that’s a menstrual sneeze over linoleum.

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3/14 Based on what I can only assume is a lying nazi-sympathizer of a treadmill computer: 12 miles burns the calories of 1 cool ranch taco.

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3/10 If you google “how many calories in a bottle of wine” You’re probably missing the point of counting calories.

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3/9 Judging by the gut pouches on the majority of women of #Delaware I can only assume we’re decedents of ancient marsupials, not apes.

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3/2 I have coined the phrase “Sea-Mexican”. Feel free to use for all your Cuban, Puerto Rican, Dominican needs!

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2/24 New #porn idea- Religious friendly porn: its all missionary, #amateurs, ALWAYS ends in #creampie – DAMMIT I need a backer!!

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2/17 Dresses were prolly invented for bitches to air out their cooze, right?

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2/14 It’s a recession, ladies. Appreciate the fact he clipped his nails first. #Valentines

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2/14 Creative People develop content to distract you from being creative too. Its our way of eliminating the competition before it starts.

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2/11 Don’t worry, duct tape is stronger than she is.

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2/10 I dont necessarily want Denis Leary dead-but could he just not be on TV, movies, albums, print media, or advertising of any kind?

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1/16 I don’t blame #NancyGrace for being an inhuman ghoul, after Frodo chucked the ring in Mount Doom she couldnt stay a Ring Wraith forever

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1/13 “LIfe is an endless collection of people hurting you, followed by someone else outdoing them”

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1/6 How fortuitous to live in a time where disease risks are obesity, addiction, antipathy, & deviancy; instead of cholera, malaria, plague

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1/5 “Wooder” (rather than water) isnt a cute local accent that adds flair-Its a speech impediment-stop languishing in inability

2013 Benediction

This year was difficult.  But rest assured, next year will be as well, likely more so.  You’ll endure pain, loss, risk and constant threat; and if this year has taught you anything- you’ll learn from all of them.  Going into the next, I hope you can realize your development is in your hands.  Happiness is not something that happens to you, but rather, your responsibility.  Even if you decide to not take the risks of happiness, take contentment in the repose of its instability.  Everything you put out over the last year did not make anything you have accomplished easier.  It simply made you stronger.  Just like last year- this year is at the whim of your molding, all you have to do is create it.

2012 Benediction

In 365 days; you will be older. In your new found age, you’ll have tried something new. You’ll experience new people. You’ll see new things, and have collected a years experience.
You’ll glorify the good. Vilify the bad, and remember neither accurately.
You’ll forget who you are, be who you could be, and have gotten there in a way you could not have imagined.
Your experience will act louder than your words. And with any luck- the people you keep close by are exactly as you imagined they could be.
Whatever you remember about your last year, it was better than you thought-enjoy it going in for what it can be as you go out.

Happy New Year.

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