An open letter to CapitalOne

CapitalOne

Seriously- We are adults, right?  I can handle the ramifications of just one 4 digit pin and my social as my username, thanks!

Top Tweets of 2012

Every year- I kick off the New Year by recapping my favorite tweets of me from the previous.  To start the vitriol off right- here’s my favorite tweets of 2012! (Sometimes it’s acceptable to be playing to only yourself).
Funny, Sad, Sadly Funny: Most weren’t posted for shock value! Enjoy!

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12/10 In a shock to no one, today I learned the author of 50 Shades of Grey is a giant disgusting beast no one would want to fuck anyway

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12/3 #cutters-you really want to make the physical pain match the emotional? Start taking out chunks of meat-those little slits are weak

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11/28 There really are people that love the holidays-giftgiving, fruit cakes, Christmas trees&Christmas music. Theyre called “Fucking Twats”

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11/26 #learned, there is such a thing as #bbw #erotic novels. Also took the time to figure out buying 30 of them =the same $$ as a Treadmill

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11/22 “Having kids is like being pecked to death by a duck” -sister

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11/18 Born in the 80’s- When did you realize you were out of touch with music? For me, it was when I saw a “Skrillex-Discography” torrent

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11/9 during the #facial anyone inexorably stuck on staring the girls fillings while her mouth is open like the #colgate fliptop head guy?

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11/6 Today I voted . . . . . . . . . . . To cut that damn tree down out back, and not take part in that stupid racist puppetshow

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11/4 #SilenceOfTheLambs Directors Cut: in which we learn Multiple Miggs was a great #Monistat sales rep before his unfortunate incarceration

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10/30 The News is interviewing the most disgusting white trash in Elkton- which is noteworthy, it’s like finding the wettest dolphin.

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10/25 “I love to enjoy life” … Oh fuck you.

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10/17 Is there anything more satisfying, as a man, than knowing: if shit gets real we can use pee as a long range weapon #RonPaul

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10/16 The Cure music playing over 70’s bestiality footage is way creepier than you’d think it would be. #RonPaul

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10/14 Because I take Cialis recreationally, I now have an aggressive erection at the grocery store. Please RT. #RonPaul

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10/12 Whenever I see a pregnant woman I’m amazed at the quality of thing men will fuck

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10/5 Abortion Whisks with straw siphons on the handles are likely inappropriate and won’t do well in the open market.

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10/4 How long before porno involves cutting each other open?

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10/3 Is fucking a fat bitch in the ass like banging a slut in the hooch? Lots of miles on that road, yknow?

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10/1 The sad truth about women, no matter how beautiful they are, how magic they seem- they all smell funny when you cut them in half.

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10/1 Hey fatso- if you’re not going to work out, at least die so your pallbearers can.

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9/27 I treat my porno like Pokemon -“I choose you, double anal whore!” *click*

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9/20 Viagra Commercial”Ask if your heart is healthy enough for sex” If its not, your skulls crackly enough for a bullet-(double) tap out now

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9/18 I’m not crazy, 90% of women in commercials are abusive, self absorbed cunt’s right?

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9/9 Did they pick the name “American Pickers” cause “2 Homos- 1 Van” didn’t test well with the Midwest?

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8/22 Nice tits, dude. Now squish em together, I’ma fuck ’em to show dominance

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8/22 possibly a forced update. Did it do anything or did it just look at you? Were you sober? Where was the cat?

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8/21 I get it youre a tard wrangler, awesome, do you HAVE to bring 14 into the grocery store at once?!They just eat gum and pennies anyway

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8/17 Porn advert proclaiming “creamy little pussy” ……ew. Not the condition I’d like to receive it.

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8/10 Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, Give me my shit, Whore.

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8/4 My favorite part is when I say “Sorry for your wait” And the other person doesn’t know I’m saying “sorry for your weight”

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8/1 I really enjoy the first 30-40 min after I wake up. It’s pretty much the only time I don’t feel nauseous

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7/31 “The way to a mans heart is through his stomach” Speaking as a man-I suggest trying the dick. Much quicker & no need to do dishes after

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7/20 Tighter gun laws could stopped Colorado shooting. Oh btw-shooting people in a theater? That’s illegal-all sorts of laws against that…

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7/20 Gunman kills 14 in Aurora CO movie theatre including a 1yo child. OUTRAGED! Who the FUCK has a 1yo in a midnight showing of Batman?!

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7/18 YOU’RE AN ADULT IN PUBLIC!!! THAT FUCKING SHOWER CAP LOOKS RIDICULOUS!!!

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6/24 Really proud of the little slug-bodied girl at the gym finally losing some weight! Do work sweety! (no, still no dick for you…)

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6/17 China launches first female astronaut into space bbc.in/NvRvJq -knowing China this was probably done by catapult

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6/1 Waste not, Want not-sadly for the planet my balls are clipped and I have money so fuck recycling.

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5/24 Maybe erectile dysfunction isn’t a medical condition, just maybe old women are fucking gross.

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5/23 When I see a man with long fingernails, it says to me “I don’t often finger-pop ladies with their consent”

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5/9 “I’m going to masturbate now…you don’t -have- to go, but it’s recommended”

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5/5 Cuddle means Fist, right? When they ask to cuddle it means they wanted to be fisted? I’m sure of it…

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4/18 Said to me today, honestly and without sarcasm- “Your sociopathy is so endearing”

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4/14 War-death-famine-AIDS-and Jonas Bros exist so I can wish them upon the piece of shit that buys coffee at a Wawa at 8am with $100 bill

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4/12 but do the eyes open? If I’m face fucking a muppet- Id like it to stare at me, with shame and confusion

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4/8 Mom:”You used to love Hawaiian Punch!” “Yeah, but then I had Gin, now Hawaiian punch doesn’t impress me much”

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4/7 “Hell hath no fury like a woman whose scorn you pay attention to”

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4/6: Kid blowing out candle : Family : first steps : dildo buried to the handle : grandparents : kids playing : bathroom mirror/thumb in ass

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4/2 How do rapists keep a hard on AND fight someone?

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3/31 A scrotum is by far the most complicated thing on this planet, and I’ve shaved a bunch of stuff.

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3/28 Some people use big words to sound smart-Some use them because they know the correct word to convey their point-regardless of size

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3/19: Blessed are the fat people: for they will only have sex in cold rooms at low altitude

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3/16: Turns out- Stupid does hurt, sadly it hurts the people faced with it, rather than those afflicted by it

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3/13 So amazing- women are stunning creatures of beauty, art, and magic……until they start moving around and talking

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3/9: There are atrocities happening in Africa?! Well, lets take care of that so it can return to the fair, peaceful, modern society we knew

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2/23: Soft core rape…

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2/21: if there are really ghosts… does that mean that deaths before 1950 still recognize segregation?

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2/21: I dont own a giant black dildo, but whenever my Mom comes to my house, Im positive Im going to forget to put away my giant black dildo

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2/21: When making any relationship decision- it should be made within 15 minutes after ejaculation

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2/17: “Oral Creampie” ? isn’t that just a cumshot? or a good girl thats getting some new jewelry? (tomato-tomatoe)

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2/16: Whenever I hear of a prison fire with a high fatality count I think “HOW HORRIBLE! Those poor people will have to build a new prison”

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2/11 [Re death of Whitney Houston]: What I can tell you about cocaine addiction: She died with a surprisingly dry vagina. G’night!

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2/2- “You’re from Delaware?! There’s a city there, right?” “…at least one, yes”

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1/3: I thought “womens humor” was their driving, problem solving, coordination & logic. That’s the part I think is funny.

Blue is the Warmest Color

blue-is-the-warmest-color-posterI begin by saying three things.  I am not homosexual, and other than a few friends have no personal relationship with the homosexual experience.  Second, I am not adverse to pornography, rather- I embrace it.  Well.. I suppose I embrace me to it, but I’m certainly not a curmudgeon to nudity, or sexuality in a film.  Lastly, there will be no spoilers, beyond what one could surmise from the trailer to this film, or IMDB “About” section.

A few things first- this film is breakthrough.  Not in its storytelling (reportedly with 800 hours of footage shot!), not in its acting (although very well done), and not in its cinematography (which falls on the silly side at times (more on this later).  This film is a breakthrough in that it is a film that centers around homosexuality, and relationships, but at no point falls into the tropes of “life is so hard” or “no one understands us” that so many films have used as a motivator before.

Also, this film is three full hours.  It doesn’t feel like it,  its really sweet, and ends satisfyingly- but three hours is brave of any film thats not an epic in todays marketplace.  But that’s the interesting bit, this film doesn’t feel like it was necessarily made for a marketplace.  Even in French-language cinema, which has been the most daring in the last 15 years, this feels more like a love letter to someone the viewer never gets to meet.  Viscerally real, and almost amateurish; but not in the mind of low quality or poor content, amateurish in it feels voyeuristic on the experience of the lead character, Adèle.

The way in which the film is shot is also noteworthy.  Hidden hues and colors play like a relationship mood-ring, subtle hints of blues and reds surrounded by earth tones.  The colors play out almost like atmosphere around the actors in a dance- its almost tempting to watch the film without subtitles or sound, and I think the film would be no less beautiful without.

Now, quickly, the negatives.  This is where the pornography bit from before comes out- and I’ll repeat: I’ve no issue with nudity, or sexuality in any format.  What I do have an issue with is a product that is overshadowed by its use of nudity or sexuality.  Here’s how:  a six minute graphic sex scene.  It takes something as subtle and in-place as Kate Winslet’s nude scene from Titanic, and turns it into the marionettes sex scene from Team America: World Police.  It’s not erotic, (I don’t think it was meant to be), and it certainly wasn’t meant to be funny- so it just felt five minutes and forty five seconds of exploitative.  This is one of several overly long sex scenes in this film that are just completely unnecessary.  Those sections alone felt like they robbed the film of a great validity- as if they were kept in solely for the pleasure of the director, exposing himself to the audience and forcing us through it.

Let me make a converse analogy: Irreversible.  Another stunning film, and probably in my top 10 of all time.  The rape in this film is roughly six minutes as well (as I recall), and it never feels exploitive.  Its savage, it drives the film in ways never experienced on camera.  Its visceral, and heart wrenching.  It works solely because of this, the viewer is forced to look away in revulsion, or stare in disbelief.  The scenes in Blue are not emotional, they’re tedious, and while both the actresses are attractive, it’s overdone and removes the audience.

187d604db7709eef919526c77cd0d6dbWith that said, I appreciate what the film is doing.  I appreciate that it doesn’t pander to the audience, or parade the gay and lesbian themes to the audience like some sideshow.  Rather, the times that are not spent assumedly attempting to titillate, seem natural (as they should be, and are) rather than tiptoeing through their environments ashamed of what they are, or worse: loudly proclaiming their differences to their surroundings who really shouldn’t care.

Honestly… does the homosexual community get offended when straight sex happens?  When they see straight couples?   Too many films shout “We’re here!” when the message should be closer to “Its none of your business!”

I digress.

A strong film, definitely worth a watch, fast forward through the sex- if you’re looking for a pornographic experience, download pornography.  Rest assured, once you see anyone even approaching a sexual scenario, they’ll probably fuck- you’re safe to move on, and since the movie plays out like such a stream of consciousness experience, you’re safe to watch in sections.  Warning: Subtitles required for non French speakers.

Presidential Suite

Twas a cold and stormy… afternoon.

Not like ‘wake Frankenstein’ kinda stormy, more like ‘Donner Party’ kinda stormy.  Less-than-tropical winter storm Electra to be specific.

Screen Shot 2013-12-14 at 5.51.19 PMRewind- through a varied set of conditions I ended up several weeks behind in work.  My job is very travel heavy, and quarterly based.  November to December my performance was travel bulimic and quarterly failing.  Because of that, when I could get back on the road- I needed to plan a long trip.  Last Sunday I attempted a trip to Rochester, planning on pinpointing all my locations along the New York Throughway corridor, east on the Mass turnpike then home by Christmas.  Luckily [sarcasm] a rough winter whiteout postponed me  until Monday.  Luckily [not sarcasm] escaping Delaware on the following day put me just ahead of (above?) the storm.  The majority of the week, save a light sprinkling on my way into Albany on thursday, was snow-free.

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Then Saturday.  I left Albany early Saturday morning, heading east to Lanesborough, MA; and was met with light snowfall almost immediately upon entering Massachusetts.  I finished my work relatively quickly, intending to stay at that office until 4 or 5pm, to complete my final hike to Marlborough, MA arriving between 6 and 7.  By 1pm I decided working 16 days in a row gave me executive privilege to start my drive.  Whenever I’m in Marlborough, I make a point to stop by this amazing Brazilian restaurant – Pruller.  I can’t possibly recommend this place enough, and crave it whenever I’m away.

Anyway- no winter storm was keeping me from getting a takeout from Pruller.  The roads got scary a bit, but made it safely.  So, 5 lbs of assorted Brazilian meats in hand I checked in.  I only stay at the nearby Holiday Inn because of Pruller.  Not to say that isn’t a great hotel, they are actually very modern and clean, but with my business discount I don’t accrue points for staying there (other than the platinum bonus 500 I get, rather than the customary welcome bag).

Planning on being here several days this time (and with the possibility of getting snowed in), I asked to be placed in a room with a refrigerator (typically this results in the hotel sending up a small dorm fridge for the room, which is more than adequate.)  This time I was greeted with “We’ll just put you in a suite”.  I’ve heard suite before, sometimes its a slightly bigger room, sometimes its just that it has a fridge built in.  This time the room is literally 2-3x the size of my first apartment.  A bedroom I could fit my car in three-fold, a separate living room with couch and recliner,  a full kitchen, and a bathroom suitable for any prosticide in New England!

Is this an editorial that boils down to “This was a long trip, I was Screen Shot 2013-12-14 at 5.50.49 PMworried about driving and it all worked out”?  Yeah.. pretty much, but I’m sitting on a couch, watching Naked Gun, while a hot cup of better-than-hotel-coffee brews up in the Keurig and my stomach is full of random Brazilian prepared animal protein, and if I have to get snowed in to any hotel situation, I appreciate it being this one.

Almost makes me want to go on a run by the lake tomorrow morning.. too bad I didn’t pack appropriately for that 🙂

A love letter to Kathy Bates

01308a Misery, right?  Most people see Kathy Bates and think – “oh, the crazy broad from Misery“.  Well, yes- Kathy Bates was that crazy lady in Misery (Im gonna call her Kathy for the rest of this.   She and I are on first name basis… she doesn’t know that, but should we ever meet, she can certainly address me by first name, and since I’ve seen Misery and own Dolores Claiborne on VHS; I feel I’ve earned it).

Misery may have been the first time I recognized her, but I remember her from St Elsewhere, and even Dick Tracy (the Warren Beaty one)- and any kid from the 90’s saw the Fried Green Tomatoes commercial over and over and over… or maybe I watched a lot of TV then, maybe my sisters just loved that movie.  Something about Steel Magnolias...  But I digress, what I most remember Kathy Bates for was her titular role in Dolores Claiborne.  A simply stunning film about a New England caregiver accused of murdering her patient.  My mother was a home health aide and has been a caregiver all her life- and this likely lead to my particular affection towards Kathy Bates.  As the movie progresses, we learn that good ole’ Dolores did not, in fact, kill her ward (but she was ready and willing to), rather she did murder her husband decades before.

Oh.  Spoilers.

But even as she delivers her admission statement to her snotty little daughter, I just wanted to hug her.  Cold and tried by the world, she just looked lovable and good natured.

(look, the film came out in ’95, if you haven’t seen it yet, you won’t… but you should.. but you won’t..)

Cut to Misery.  Less amiable, but still amazing.  Although, at closer inspection, if that writer had just played along, and not ignored his biggest fan, and maybe just tried to be a better house guest, none of that business with the penguin, pig statue, or hobbling “spat” would have been necessary!

Spoilers?

I skipped About Schmidt, I heard about the hot tub scene.  I love Kathy Bates, I don’t want to make love to her.

Anyway- this entire diatribe that started more interesting in my head then its ending on computer was started because Kathy Bates is in this season of American Horror Story.   I won’t spoil anything (because I’m not far enough in to spoil anyway), but her character is not particularly nice.  Not exactly a good person one could say.  But even as she pouts across screen, spewing racial epithets, and threatening hell and damnation upon anyone she comes in contact with, some deep part of me wants to hug her.  Maybe get her lunch.  But certainly a hug.

I want to gush more about her pained, nuanced performance.  Constantly aching over her character and developing constantly through expression… but I don’t want to ruin it for the viewer.

So, good on you FX for putting Kathy Bates on my teevee box, and thank you Kathy Bates for being awesome.  I hope you get to kill Precious by the end of Season 3.

Oh.. that was probably a spoiler.  The girl from Precious is in it.

Wonder Woman

It snowed horribly today- so bad I had to postpone my 7 hour trip to Rochester. But, in that- I decided to walk over to my local steakhouse/bar and have dinner alone.  Its a favorite pastime – the ribs and steaks are good, and I enjoy tipping high, if only for the reactions I imagine rather than what probably happens in real life.

During my meal, I stumbled upon a Tweet from PostSecret, that was seeking to start a petition to get Wonder Woman her own film; as she’d only be a small part in Batman Vs Superman.  In response to the tweet, I saw a tweet (from a woman) that read as follows [with original Post Secret tweet- identities not masked to protect the innocent.]:

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Now- precursor, I’m not saying my response was

  • the right thing to do
  • funny
  • nice
  • necessary

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BUT- here’s the cause- and its anything but internet “trolling”.

Mysogonist?  Maybe at face value.  But here’s the deal: if they put Wonder Woman in a full body suit, or trench coach (or jeans and a T-Shirt) it wouldn’t be Wonder Woman.  Here’s the risk- piss off Feminists (notoriously haters of “fun” and not known for their spending), or piss off their entire client base they’ve been playing to for the last 72 years.  Even with that said- Wonder Woman, in all her one-piece bathing-suit glory, has never been demonstrated as a sexual object.  This isn’t a causality of sexuality in Comics either- Razor, Witchblade, Gen 13, the God Damn Bondage Fairies!– sexualizing female characters has NEVER been taboo- it was just never a condition of Wonder Woman.

Beyond that- Wonder Woman is an Amazonian Princess… nary a’ once have I see Princess Diana “tee hee” her way onto the panel.

Lastly- Wonder Woman is an Amazonian Princess.  They weren’t known for their modest clothing-wiki it.. this is the representations of Amazonian Princesses:

400px-0_Amazzone_ferita_-_Musei_Capitolini_(1) 419px-Amazon_preparing_for_the_battle_(Queen_Antiope_or_Armed_Venus)_-_Pierre-Eugene-Emile_Hebert_1860_-_NG_of_Arts_Wash_DC_rotated_and_cropped

Not exactly NBC/ABC/Fox friendly…

Wonder Woman isn’t the hill to die on.  Beyond that- its silly to think Batman VS Superman isn’t positioned to build up the Justice League- we don’t need an enclave of women fighting for the opportunity, its coming (and it won’t make as much as Dark Knight Rises…), just because we feel slighted, doesn’t mean we need to make everything about gay, lesbian, female, etc rights opportunities. Just like everything else- if you don’t like its representation: Vote.  Get involved, or don’t consume.

Oh.. and as an after thought- Wonder Woman has a magical sword.  Even Superman is weak to it.

wwkc2

Also- @EdenVBailey was a good sport about it, favorited my tweet, and I appreciate it 🙂  Not everyone is out for blood, and not everyone needs to be the victim.  Follow her, she rules.

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